Relief...

 

 

 

 

Something inside is dying..

There is no hope, at least not now,
And would I listen anyhow,
As all things cease to be,
Controllable or in control,
And life itself is less than whole,
With such a broken me.

I am not clear on what I feel,
Or what is truth or what is real,
There is no answer to it,
For problems build within my mind,
And no solution do I find,
To help me to get through it.

The bills remain unopened now,

I couldn't pay them anyhow,
So what's the point of trying?
The fire's unlit, there is no wood,
No match to light it if I could,
Something inside is dying.

There is no pill for what I feel,
They tell me that it isn't real,
They're not inside my head.
In cosy housing, unafraid,
Observe my life but would they trade
For footsteps that I tred?

 

By: Rachelle de Bretagne

And a thousand more..

 

 

Tears..

It is me who can tell you what tears mean. It's me who experience all the kinds of tears. Yes! tears are different.
nothing can relieve, release, comfort, and sooth your heart but tears. A tear would console you when others are all busy. One tear can make you honest to yourself and to others. But with no doubt, a tear can create from you a revolting , worlding and a freedom loving bird or can turn you into an ugly awful dead corpse !

I can"t ..

I always wanted to like the pages on Facebook that entitled as " My Father" or " I Love You Mom" but I don't. I see hundred of thousand of nice pictures like a mother kisses her little baby or a father hugs his dughter and I save them in my Laptop. But in real life I can't go to my mother and kiss her or to hug my father! No, Impossible !

I used to kiss them in special occasions only like Eid and I dont really feel loved by them because the way we used to kiss them is somehow humiliated! Like I can't kiss my father's cheeks or he will consider me bold, so what will happen if I try to hug him ! even my mother , I just kiss her cheeks ( oh yeah , I can :D ). The part I hate most is when we forced to kneel to kiss their hands and if I dont my father just rais his hand up to my lips to do so.
That remind me or make feel as if I'm the slave and he's my master !

You know.. when I see comments from others saying that they love their mothers or fathers or that they would sacrifice their lives in order not to see the tears o their moms or when some just sighing and grieving because they dont have a father, I feel like a child who lost his parents and everyone seems to be strangers.

I was sick about 4 days and my mother didn't come upstairs to see me or to ask if I want something and my father don't know even if I am okay or not. They didnt ask me if  I want to go to the hospital or not. They did't even let my sisters bring me food to eat as they do when one of my sisters is sick. They neither ask nor care.
 SO, for what I have to try to get along with them ? and for what I have to obey them? and most importantly, for what I should love them?

3 words!

I want to say it. It's a simple sentence. I tried to write it but I couldn’t. I tried to whisper it into your ears but I couldn't. I tried to look deep into your eyes and just utter it but I couldn’t. Tell me how I can truly say it to you though it's only 3 words!

I just want to curl up in the fetal position in your lap.

*

Exhausted and feel so alone. I pray that things will work out and to be in my benefit as I rely on God in this but O' my lord just hold my heart and say some words to it to relieve it and he will repeat  them  after you as a three year old child. Teach him how to follow you and your rules and whenever he thinks to break them or rebel on you , you just gaze him and he comes to you to say with a tearful eyes filled with sham "I am sorry"..
 

ehh..

....

nobody helps
nobody supports
all of them are selfish.. I wont help anybody. I will just close my eyes and walk over their need ! I will break their hearts the way they break my heart and I will laugh out loud when they cry as they laugh at my tears !

Bah !

Okay, let me pour out my heart since I don’t have the great patience of Prophet Ayoub and, moreover, I am not an angel.
Yesterday when I was standing on my two weak legs for about 15 minutes with my sister to wash piles of dishes, my mother came and instead of saying may god help you my dear sweet daughters, she just tried to find any dirty spoon, plates, glasses, pots..,etc to pile them up in the sink! "you must wake up early to help me. You know I have got a backache. Your emotionless!" my (holy) mother grumbled.

When I tried to make her stop that dull nagging rumbling, she turned around and said " when I was your age I got married and I woke up early to cook and clean. When I was your age you were laying on my shoulder! Each one of you is taller than me! You must have 10 kids now!!"

What the heck is that? Is she trying to fool me or what? She wants me to be a failure photocopy of her. She wants me to get married to sleep and please my husband at night and curse me and her if I forgot to cook ! She wants me to chase after my kids like idiots, change their diapers, feed them, shout at them to be quite after I already got a sour throat and a high blood pressure because of them! She wants me to wash dishes, cook and clean like a machine all the day.

Is this what all  my life for?
For my mother and for those who think alike.. *forefinger to the lips* !

I wish ...

"There are so many things that I wish I could be

There are so many places I wish I could see.

And if I had my way and could wish a whole lot,

I would wish I was somewhere and something I’m not"

....

And fill my heart with the ultimate love but for you.